I am thankful for…

• Insincere vague thanks that people improvise
• The people working in grocery stores today who took the jobs from people on strike because the American tradition of Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same without last-minute shopping
• All the people starving today because without them, I wouldn’t feel so fortunate
• All the food that will be thrown away today because somebody might find something good in the trash tomorrow
• The Native Americans who helped us create the holiday and whom we later killed
• The poultry industry and everyone else who stands to profit from creating or sustaining holiday traditions
• The glorious monotony of TV marathons because they keep lesser minds subdued and preoccupied
• All the Christmas songs that have been constantly playing since before today