Way back when, this last summer, I took a summer class. (I’ve referred to it before, if you keep up on this weblog thing.) About 10 days long. I had a great time: the people I met were just so awesome. Ah, the memories. And, I thought I would actually miss these people.
The truth is, I did, for a little bit. I was really sorry to see these people go. Watching them leave one by one, or by busload, made me sad. Catching one of the later buses made me endure good-bye after good-bye.
Then, before I knew it, I was on my own bus, pondering the disappearance of all these newfound friends. I got on the airplane, fell asleep, and was instantly plunged into a new vacation — this time, with my mom and sister.
I still missed those people for a while, longing for some wacky hijinks instead of the stagnant mood of the family vacation.
I thought I would keep in contact with them. I really thought I would try.
In fact, I had papers with contact information. I put all of them on my AOL Instant Messenger buddy list.
I chatted with a few people at intermittant times, but we had nothing to talk about. Nothing.
I even signed up for some MSN Group, and posted a few messages.
Gradually, the memories faded, and I don’t miss these people. No life-long friendships forged with me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or was it the whole group, because the MSN Group totally died as well.
Part of it had to be me, though. Ever since I can remember, I haven’t really missed people. When I was in California, and my dad was in Colorado, I didn’t really miss him. My brother, my sister-in-law, and their two kids moved to Las Vegas. I don’t really miss them.
Maybe it’s because I knew I’d see them again sometime. Then again, my grandfather died recently. I don’t miss him.
It’s not that I don’t love these people (actually, I don’t like my grandfather and his death doesn’t change that), but I just don’t get that emotion of missing people.
Right now, I can tell you truthfully, I don’t miss any of the kids that were in my summer class, nor my teachers. I could strike up a conversation with them, if I were to meet them in person, probably, but that doesn’t mean I miss them.
My friends from Colorado… I don’t know when’s the last time I talked to any of them.
My middle school friends… I see them occasionally, but do I miss not having them in any of my classes. No, not really.
Do I occasionally think about any of those aforementioned? Of course, but I don’t miss them. Sometimes, I’ll say, I want to see that person, but do I really miss that person?
What is it about me?
Which brings me to my graduation, coming soon. Will I miss my fellow classmates and friends? Judging from the past: I’ll be sad for a little bit, and then they’ll fade away.
I also wonder what I’ll be thinking when someone close to me dies. I’ve dealt with not seeing people ever again… and to me right now, not having experienced anything like that, that’s the definition of dying for me. Someone gone who I’ll never see again, like my grandfather right now.
I know it’s a self-centered way to view things, but any of the people I’ve lost contact with could die, and what would be the difference to me?
I tell you this though, I don’t like that aspect of myself, but I don’t know what I could do to change it. Start getting closer to people? I really don’t know.
Well… yes, that would be a good start, Shawn. And you’ve basically answered your own inquiry, with the assumed question at the end: do you ever get close to people?
From what you wrote, it would seem to be that you don’t get close enough to anyone to warrant missing them when they’re gone. Now, this could simply be an artifact of your basic personality and character… or it could be a choice you’ve made at some point.
Either way, I hear you saying you want it do be different. And so yes, intentionality would work: get close to someone you really appreciate and value. And I use ‘work’ not by accident: it takes work to get close to someone, risking your vulnerability at all times.
Presumptuous as this will sound, I’m hopeful for you, as you’re still a teenager after all, and the rest of your life stretches onward for seeming infinity. Or at least, one would hope. Try and avoid the obvious accident loci. ::chuckle:: (I.e., look both ways when crossing the street, lest that Mack truck with your name on it come barreling down on ya. On the other hand, if it DOES have your name on it, it won’t make a difference whether you look both ways or not, doesn’t it. But that’s really neither here nor there.)
Why dwell on the past when the future is so much more exciting?
I can see how this supposedly “lack of emotional attachment” bothers you, but would the other extreme really be that wonderful? I was talking to Devin about this and he was saying how the high school years were the best years in his life, and he remarked that it was “pretty depressing that his best years were behind him” and that he essentially had nothing to look forward to.
You’re not alone though, I feel the same way. I don’t miss my junior high friends at all, and if one of my grandparents was to drop dead, I WOULD be a bit sad initially, but given a month’s time, the death would be insignificant to me.
My grandpa dropped dead about 2 years ago and I don’t really miss him either, but i guess that was because i rarley saw him, i mena sure we were on the same island and all, but i never saw him. I cried and all, but that was mainly because I make things out to be much more than they are and I was feeling guilty and sorry for the loss of my grandmother more than anything. Not that I’m emotionally detached or anything. or maybe i am. I mean i cry at movies more than i do at funerals. Maybe it’s because i’ve been to so many that I’ve been detramatized. I’m just a softee bleeding heart liberal that can’t whach war movies with out getting squemish and crying for like two hours straight after it and getting all philisophicle about death and life and the purpose of it all when it comes down to it. What is there anyway? Omg, I’m exactly what i accuse all my friends of being, emotionall detactched, but that’s just a symptom of the thing that i fear most, I’ve become a coward, too afraid to show my emotions and get atached to something, but then again how many oportunities have i ever had to be atached to someone and then lose them? I’ve never loved and when it’s late i think about what I’d feel if I lost the ones closest to me and cry, but not hard. I’m a cold hearted bitch. damn it! But I’ve never had the chance to love