The Agnoiologist News-Letter Vol I, Issue 2

Please download this one page Word document: The Agnoiologist Vol I, Issue 2. Fuck Johns Hopkins.

For those of you too lazy to download the document, or if you don’t have Word, the text of the articles is in the Extended Entry.

Rest Uneasy

Hopkins discovers innovative new method to keep students sleep-deprived

The cacophony of the door fire alarms is not an unfamiliar sound to anyone living in AMR II. Not an hour goes by without at least one door going off. So engrained in our minds, it has become a cultural phenomenon.

For example, there is a Facebook group named “Shut the Fucking Door.” We used to have our own variant of a town crier who used to shout, “Shut the fucking door,” but he has long since ceased his activities. It’s too heavy a burden for any one man to carry. The alarms are constantly being set off, more so than in the past.

While the alarms used to mostly come from Adams, now Gildersleeve has been added to the mix. Assuredly, this is no fault of the students. The residents of Gildersleeve have not introduced any new door closing techniques; they have been closing the door the same way they always have, and yet now the alarms go off. The fault lies with the door, and the door alone.

Or does it? According to a new sign on the doors, students are implored to shut the door tightly “if you don’t want to hear the fire alarm.” Apparently, JHU has enough money to replace all the bathroom doors in AMR II, which were perfectly fine, but will not spend the money to fix the house doors. If they are willing to spend that much money for something unneeded, then one can only deduce that the broken doors are needed.

Last night, several students were outside playing in the snow, instead of buried in books, studying. Obviously, this is a severe problem in the environment JHU wishes to have. In order to maintain its reputation, JHU must at least make it appear as if their students are constantly sleep-deprived. If this is indeed an experiment in keeping students awake, they are succeeding greatly because I can’t count the number of times I get woken up, and kept awake, by the fire alarms.

Yet, why stop there? The fire alarms do much more than hinder sleep, they disrupt work! Perhaps this is an even greater experiment, one in grade disinflation. Or maybe they’re just too cheap to fix the doors.

Top 10 Ways to Keep the Bathroom Doors Open

  • 10. Tape latch
  • 9. Stuff hole with paper, putty, etc.
  • 8. Cover hole with tape.
  • 7. Prop door open with garbage can
  • 6. Remove door handle
  • 5. Break locking mechanism
  • 4. Magic
  • 3. Remove door
  • 2. Bathroom bouncer
  • 1. Circulate a petition