Way back when, this last summer, I took a summer class. (I’ve referred to it before, if you keep up on this weblog thing.) About 10 days long. I had a great time: the people I met were just so awesome. Ah, the memories. And, I thought I would actually miss these people.
The truth is, I did, for a little bit. I was really sorry to see these people go. Watching them leave one by one, or by busload, made me sad. Catching one of the later buses made me endure good-bye after good-bye.
Then, before I knew it, I was on my own bus, pondering the disappearance of all these newfound friends. I got on the airplane, fell asleep, and was instantly plunged into a new vacation — this time, with my mom and sister.
I still missed those people for a while, longing for some wacky hijinks instead of the stagnant mood of the family vacation.
I thought I would keep in contact with them. I really thought I would try.
In fact, I had papers with contact information. I put all of them on my AOL Instant Messenger buddy list.
I chatted with a few people at intermittant times, but we had nothing to talk about. Nothing.
I even signed up for some MSN Group, and posted a few messages.
Gradually, the memories faded, and I don’t miss these people. No life-long friendships forged with me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or was it the whole group, because the MSN Group totally died as well.
Part of it had to be me, though. Ever since I can remember, I haven’t really missed people. When I was in California, and my dad was in Colorado, I didn’t really miss him. My brother, my sister-in-law, and their two kids moved to Las Vegas. I don’t really miss them.
Maybe it’s because I knew I’d see them again sometime. Then again, my grandfather died recently. I don’t miss him.
It’s not that I don’t love these people (actually, I don’t like my grandfather and his death doesn’t change that), but I just don’t get that emotion of missing people.
Right now, I can tell you truthfully, I don’t miss any of the kids that were in my summer class, nor my teachers. I could strike up a conversation with them, if I were to meet them in person, probably, but that doesn’t mean I miss them.
My friends from Colorado… I don’t know when’s the last time I talked to any of them.
My middle school friends… I see them occasionally, but do I miss not having them in any of my classes. No, not really.
Do I occasionally think about any of those aforementioned? Of course, but I don’t miss them. Sometimes, I’ll say, I want to see that person, but do I really miss that person?
What is it about me?
Which brings me to my graduation, coming soon. Will I miss my fellow classmates and friends? Judging from the past: I’ll be sad for a little bit, and then they’ll fade away.
I also wonder what I’ll be thinking when someone close to me dies. I’ve dealt with not seeing people ever again… and to me right now, not having experienced anything like that, that’s the definition of dying for me. Someone gone who I’ll never see again, like my grandfather right now.
I know it’s a self-centered way to view things, but any of the people I’ve lost contact with could die, and what would be the difference to me?
I tell you this though, I don’t like that aspect of myself, but I don’t know what I could do to change it. Start getting closer to people? I really don’t know.